1. Study Finds Sentences Contain Actual Words!
YES: This is a beautiful picture. You did an excellent job!
NO: OMG!! sooo pwetty!
You can only get away with this if your name happens to be Elmer Fudd. If your name is Elmer Fudd, go back to hunting wabbits; you're not much more successful as an author.
2. If I say "thank you," the appropriate response is "you're
welcome," NOT "your welcome." Please stop making this mistake. Your grammar is the reason I drink.
3. Most web-browsers come with a built-in spell check. If you post a misspelled word (especially in a comment), you really weren't paying attention to what you said at all, and it probably would have been better for you to stay silent. (See 9.)
4. If you're going to use emoticons, you can just as easily use the deviantART emoticons. If you don't know the commands for some of the more original ones, find a friend's profile and click on "Send a Note." Down at the bottom right hand corner of the new message box, there's a link that says "Emoticon Legend." Here you can find the text commands for every emoticon authorized by dA. There are enough for you to hold entire conversations with, so don't be shy! I'm tired of having to turn my head sideways to understand you.
5. When referring to yourself, you must capitalize the pronoun "I." This also includes saying "I'm," "I've," "I'd," and "I'll." Please also remember your apostrophes. Otherwise, im afraid ill have to hurt you (see how stupid that looks?)
6. If you're leaving a quick comment, you don't necessarily have to capitalize the first letter of each sentence; just be sure to leave a period so we know where one thought stops and the next one begins. But if you're submitting actual literature, please capitalize! It makes your work look more thought out and serious and less like the random brain farts of a twelve year old girl.
7. "Though" is not hard to type. It only takes three fingers total (on a standard QWERTY keyboard), so you're not really saving any extra effort by typing "tho" (which also takes three fingers.) And on the plus side, you appear to know basic English, even if you're just faking it!
8. "LOL." I have nothing to say about this. If you want to use it, go ahead. But be warned: capitalizing it doesn't prove your point any more than leaving it in lower case. It just makes you look like a dumbass.
9. If you don't have anything to say, it's better not to say anything. Sometimes a "
" says more than a comment ever could. "It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." Mark Twain
10. "Awesome" is an overused term. How about something a little more original, like "grand," "breathtaking," "splendid," "tremendous," "remarkable," "amazing," "awe-inspiring," "astounding," or "humbling"? A personal favorite of mine is "shiny." Be creative! Or use a thesaurus; they're basically the same thing. SPECIAL NOTE: "Awesomeness," while technically a word, is even worse than "awesome."
11. Spell "like" appropriately! Unless you're one of those f***ing cats, it should not be spelled "liek dis!"
12. "Let's eat Mom." "Let's eat, Mom." Commas are here for your protection. Use them wisely.
13. Please take the extra half-second to type out "you" and not "u." This also applies to "are" versus "r." It was cute when you were four, but if you're old enough to use the Internet, you're old enough to use big-kid words.
14. English has only one definite article: "the." This makes it the most commonly used word in the language. You have no excuse for typing "teh" instead of "the." It's not cute, it's moronic.
15. If you did it correctly once, you can do it correctly again. If you want to use five exclamation points (when one would probably work fine), then make sure they all get in there. Typing "cool!!111" just makes it look like you don't know how to use a keyboard.
16. It's "must've" (a contraction of "must have") NOT "must of." Come on people, that doesn't even make any sense!
17. May whatever God you pray to help you if you write "uv."
Americans (and our English friends across the pond), when we can't even be bothered to write our own language properly, the other people of the world laugh at us! When they can write in better English than we can, it makes us look like a bunch of jackasses! It is time to take our language back from the hands of Internet stupidity, and once again write with fluency and pride!
NOTE: The author of this text is a human, not a hypocrite. He claims to have done a thorough job in checking his own work, but he is fallible (and we are working on that). If at any time a mistake is noticed, please inform him. He will either correct it or he won't, largely depending on his mood.